I
’m still occasionally asked how I got them, the
scars on my arms. I’ve become good at excus-
es, explaining the reasons would take far too
long. Can you, in a few sentences, explain the
relief of seeing blood flow, the lifting of pain when
you hurt yourself physically and the turmoil of
emotions relating to self harm which is so difficult
to talk to others about?
I can’t remember when it started or the cause. It
got worse when I drank and felt alone and like an
outsider. In the early years, I tried to make it fun
and it worked for a while. I have numerous blood
sisters around the world as they were included in
my ritual of cutting. I might have forced some
beyond their boundaries; one fainted when she
saw her own blood. I didn’t flinch. Later I would
carve symbols in my skin and make my
boyfriends do it with me. Never names, though. I
knew they would come and go.
I liked seeing the blood seeping out of those
open wounds, it made me feel real, or at least just
feel. I felt in control. Though I couldn’t control the
emotions, I could control my response to them. It
also had an odd calming effect. Often crying as I
let the razorblade slice through my skin, the tears
soon stopped as the burning, stinging sensation
of the wound took over and the blood ran down
my arm.
I would hide my wounds from my family but not
necessarily from my friends. My black wardrobe
and makeup was a shield where the madness of
self harming fitted as part of the disguise. I was an
outsider anyway so I found a way of standing out
that would be acceptable.
Later, when I didn’t wear the facade of black
anymore, the cutting would still haunt me. I knew
it was destructive and I was told it was merely
attention seeking and have acknowledged that
wanting to be noticed was a part of it. It was just
a lot more. It was a way of making superficial pain
scream louder and overshadow the inner one.
You can only keep it hidden for so long. It
became exceedingly noticeable and destructive
until I knew I needed help. Counselling was ben-
eficial but I wasn’t ready to let them in and with-
out honesty from my side, it was limited how
much they could help. Where I really found sup-
port was on the internet sites. Reading other peo-
ple’s experiences and writing about my own pro-
vided release, understanding and a feeling of
being part of something, partly what I had used
the cutting to achieve.
The scars have gone white now as I haven’t cut
for a while but they are still there to remind me of
where I’ve been and can go again. I also pick at
my skin, especially around my hands. I know it is
a compulsory leftover from the desire to hurt
myself but I still can’t stop, maybe because I’ve
found a fairly acceptable way of self harm which
people won’t challenge me doing.
Looking back I don’t think I was necessarily
depressed nor had borderline personality disor-
der when I was cutting myself. It wasn’t a suicide
threat either. I know that without talking about it,
getting outside opinions whether face to face, on
the phone or online and attempting to under-
stand the thoughts and reasons for my self harm,
I would still be searching for an outlet for my
emotions and taking it out on myself when I
couldn’t.
BITE
REAL
LIFE
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self injury guidance and network support
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the national self-harm network
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young people and self harm
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self injury and related issues
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self injury information and support
You will find information, forums where you
can share your views, read other people’s
stories and get help if needed.
Places to get information and help: